…and that’s the problem with nerds & superhero movies.
They leave the cinema met with inevitable disappointment because they spent the last 15 years of their lives dispensing hot cum across a comic book page which displays slight narrative differences.
Allow me to reiterate – take you back a few notches leading up to this incredible realization. Shamelessly I’ll add, I grew up reading through the pages of fictional bullshit pertaining to the comic books and television shows of cunts in swimsuits. Superheroes. Cartoon Network, Fox Kids, Disney Channel – homes to the many cross-dressing, multi-coloured social rejects who successfully manage to accomplish the unfathomable task of balancing their non-existent social lives, jobs, and personal time against the new-age millennial bullshit of wearing tights while jumping from rooftops. Gender fucking neutral cum stains.
As a kid, you don’t realize just how fucking ridiculous the concept actually is – even more so with the movie adaptations, they somehow manage to justify this daft behaviour. As if a white-privileged Playboy philanthropist would actually spend his nights dressed as a 6-foot flying rat. I mean, getting older, you can see why he has an obsession with the Catwoman. Props to the designers, fuck if she’s animated – extending my appreciation to the live-action portrayals – Damn near pull back on my mask, grope her with the cape, and stroke that pussy ’til she meows the seams from her leather. Pussy fucking whipped.
All in all, superheroes are stupid. But understand where I’m coming from. I’m that guy with every comic book and graphic novel napping under his bed – tucked away in shame because I’m the one that got away. I sit at the cool kids table now. And I refuse to go back. But even so, every time a now movie is announced, that little nerdy shit sleeping deep inside my guts still makes an attempt to rise from the ashes. I buried him in the basement and chained him up by his testicles. Fuck your comic book knowledge, we’re not pre-ordering the tickets. And this is the problem with nerds & superhero movies.
I will say, there’s an aspect to these stories that can’t be at fault, explaining the attraction to the medium – literature that’s still greatly under appreciated in this day and age. Despite the darker and more mature tones of both the live-action and animated movies, there’s a great irony in the fact that these stories were originally written for 11–year old boys. Making a slight change during the 1980s (before my time) the books took on a drastically different tone that was catered to an aged and mature audience. The writings of those such as Grant Morrison, Frank Miller, Mark Waid, and the God himself responsible for the graphic novel – Alan Moore. These guys applied a level of mature material in both the writings and illustrations that made these assholes in tights and gimp masks appear believable.
Just like the childish comic books however, the graphic novels had set in stone a base level for specific traits and origins stories that could not be changed – varying from character to character. So what’s the problem with nerds and superhero movies? As a nerd, you don’t see the movies from a normal person’s point of view. And yes, I’m fully aware of just how insulting and disparaging that sounds, but frankly, I don’t give a fuck. You go into the movie expecting to know what’s going to happen, your dreams finally realized in full colour, true moving-picture – so fucking excited – but you also know there’s going to be a large portion of the movie that’s going to be changed from the source material. And this is because of the writers and the directors, placing their visions into the scripts for their takes on the stories.
And it’s this aspect of change which these fucking nerds despise. That’s also why you never see them with a pretty lady during the screening, because they know they’ll look like complete fucking dick-nibblers when they start crying over character costumes and dialogue. It’s almost as if they forgot that these movies are written and produced in the interpretation of the writers and film studios investing money into actually making the fucking movie. Nerds, they spent so much time with their head between the paper pages of men in tights, when they should have had their head between the thighs of women – actually giving head. They believe these movies are about them. And this is the problem with nerds and superhero movies.
While I do have a great deal of appreciation for these fictional stories, I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m no longer looking for comic book accuracy and the fulfillment of fantasies. Honestly, who gives a fuck? None of these companies and writers have the courage to kill-off these characters and write new ones, anyway. Fuck, half of these characters have been in existence for over 80–years, and rarely do we see the introduction of new people and icons to take their place. I can’t go to the cinemas with nerds. I got away from the expectations and selfish ideals that these movies were made for me. Let the studios do whatever the fuck they want with the characters, because if they’re not going to kill them then heck, rewrite them.
If Iron Man gave up his armoured suit and passed on his legacy to a lace-wearing stripper who smacked her bra as a whip and her camel-toe for a shield, frankly, I couldn’t be more happier. Captain Dick-less, eat your heart out. Do you know what it’s like sitting next to the superior ALPHA chief nerd, who does nothing but criticize and moan about the originality and authenticity that’s lacking for the on-screen adaptions of fictional men in tights? Fuck me diagonally on a smeared glass table with the loosest kebab wrap during that time of the month. Bloody nightmare.
Original Copyright © 2018 by KalifornicationX.