Foodies: Explain Yourselves

After many brief discussions on the topic of identification and how we as individuals perceive ourselves through our actions and beliefs, therefore affecting how we believe others may perceive us in return, something very strange and dare I say it, something quite pathetic had occurred to me. Elaborating before I let you know what this is, you’d only have to spend three minutes with your hands down your pants scrolling through Instagram, as well as stalking the gritty trenches of Twitter awaiting notifications, before you’ll encounter a similar trend. Procrastination? No. Well, yes, but that’s not it. Perception. It’s all about public perception and how people present themselves.

Where am I going with this, you may be wondering: Positive display of showmanship? Or a long-winded rant detailing how pathetic they are? Oh, fuck. It’s most definitely the latter. If you haven’t yet read my post regarding the Vegans and why they need to get the fuck out of town, I would suggest you do so. It may serve as a tour guide for the upcoming fuck-fest I’m about to go bareback on. Yes! Everyone’s getting fucked today. No lube. Whether I go in from the front or the back makes no difference, there isn’t no diameter nor circumference too small for General Veinous Maximus. Embrace the verbal penetration.

So here’s the thing. No one cares about your Bio. And no, not your Biography, because let’s face it; a vast amount of people are far too thick, not to mention compulsive fucking liars, to write one anyway. I’m talking about your online bio. How you present yourself to your followers, friends, and families. Triple false fuckery. The limiting word count on each and every social platform which demands your best lie and unrealistic version of yourself, which fails to match the depressed lonely bitch fingering herself behind the screen. That bio. Does that sound sexist to you? Guys can be bitches too, don’t worry about it.

But, this incestuous need to portray yourselves as something you’re not through the make-believe templates and filters because your photographs are bad and your lives’ a fucking train wreck. Fuck. Instagram scroll, Twitter flick, Tinder swipe. Can you live up to this ideal version you’ve put on display? I doubt your self-awareness, lady. How are you able to describe your personality in such detail and depth with such few words and terrible grammar – mirror rehearsal? In a perfect world, bacon grows on trees, vagina smells like mangos, and women don’t pass wind. But this isn’t fantasy. Fuck, if they’re not providing such rich and glamorous descriptions, they’re listing their poor lifestyle choices as well as their pitiful interests and hobbies, followed by motivational quotes to success. “Geek Girl, Anime Lover, Dedicated Vegan. Building My Success One Day At A Time”

What in the grand fuck of post-release cum does success actually mean? Money, health, luxury – friendships where you don’t actually trust anyone because it says so on the seventh rule of the black and white photograph with Hashtag Empire? Millennials, knock it the fuck off. This race to success culture of doing everything and anything during your twenties is becoming real fucking wretched. Slow the fuck down and drop the motivational quotes. You’re poor. What’s even more disheartening are the lifestyles choices. For instance, why does every fucking vegan feel the need to state they’re a vegan in every single bio and social post they ejaculate on the internet?

We get it. You rape trees and babysit rabbits. Don’t eat beef, chicken or unicorns. Don’t eat meat but you still want the D. Okay. It’s almost as if they’re gearing up for war just in case someone will actually start a conversation regarding what they choose to put in their mouths. Baby, What that tongue do? Vegans, nobody cares. Your skin’s pale, your hair’s brittle, you’re forever constipated, and forty years from now you’re going to regret it. No need to let us all know. I’ve spoken enough on vegans in the past, see the previous post I mentioned during the start of this post, but one more thing; You’re stranded on an island with nothing but a Mermaid for company. Do you eat her or do you eat her? Case closed.

While not being as bad as the vegans, the next set of tight-jaw piss flaps are in need of some serious penetration. Foodies. Here’s my question to Foodies, since they’ve now been established as an actual type of human fucking being. What makes a Foodie a Foodie – as opposed to someone else who just eats food in order to enjoy it, and you know, stay alive? I mean, I breath oxygen. But that doesn’t make me anymore enthusiastic about about trees, and leaves in the wind because Hashtag O2. It would be much more interesting and make a great deal more sense if they were to list Clam Slapper or Cunnalinguist instead. At least those provide some detail as to what’s tickling their tongues.

Don’t mistake my donated hearts to your Instagram pictures for me taking a liking to you as an individual. I’ll like but I’ll never comment. I’m that guy; scroll back through the last four months of photos and double-tap until my fingertip runs red. Much like the thick-thigh soft porn damsels on Instagram who label themselves as “Instagram Models”idiots – I’m a fan of your work, not you. There’s absolutely no need to state in your bio which fictional profession defines you as a person. Dry my dick with a curtain, my pull out game’s strong. Give me time to restock I’ll throw a shot at the Travel Bloggers.

 

Original Copyright © 2018 by KalifornicationX.

18 thoughts on “Foodies: Explain Yourselves

  1. Ooh…that’s gotta sting! Lol I’m just gonna be one of those douchebags that comments “deep”.

    Oh and foodies feed on skittles, burgers, coke and cake, (mmm…cake, I like cake). Patiently waiting on your take on travel bloggers and don’t leave out the rest of us bloggers😉

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Stay Savvy darling, always a pleasure when you grace my blog with your beauty….

        …wait a minute, stop, I’m not done, and yes I’m aware I type how I talk self-aware as a motherfucker – breaking the fourth-wall, but wait just a minute. Why are you calling me brave? Oh no, you know something…they’re plotting to get me aren’t they?

        Fuck. I’m done for.

        Like

  2. Omg this is brilliant!!!
    Haha guys can be bitches too! Preach 💯
    And I so agree, most people in reality are so fake but go to their Instagram account and fake would just be an understatement..
    Some people live and breathe their life online.. like who the fuck wants to know what you ate and whether your bf called you and if you just fucking had a long ass conversation.. I just don’t get it 😔🙈

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh yesss.. and okay so people do this and to some extent you’ll cuss in your head and keep quiet buuut there are some extra ordinary dumb fucks who instead of separately asking them their dumb-ass questions..they freaking encourage them even more!! Like whaaaaat?? *mind flip*

        Like

  3. YESSSSS! You are actually brilliant, you know this yes? I fucking hate with probably far too much passion than what’s necessary, bios that say “wife. mother. poet. photographer. gin lover” or whatever they fuck they deem important to tell us. Oh well done, you’re literally the first person to get married and have a baby ever. Ooh and you like gin? Wow you fascinating, kooky lone wolf you. Anyway, you never let me down with your rants. And I’m going to use the phrase “ejaculate on the internet” a lot from now. Plus Imma gonna check my own bio now to make sure that I don’t sound like a wanker.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Darling, I suspect everyone who reads this will be checking their bio. hahaa. Also, “wife, mother, poet” has become so fucking common these days. Followed by “expecting” I read some of these bio (stalking) and I think to myself, do these women think being a mother or wife is new? I mean feel free too blog about your 9 months of turmoil hell, describing how beautiful it was and how you dealt with the hormones, but fuck me on a curtain pole, at least make it interesting. I’m starting to believe that listing alcohol in bios are the new thing since everyone and their mother (no pun intended) lists caffeine lover, or coffee addicted or some bullshit.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh my gosh. I’m laughing so hard about the vegans and then you attacked me hahahah. I am a foodie…I didn’t know this until met people who “don’t enjoy eating,” never want to try new dishes or restaurants, etc. I am a foodie because I wake up and think “What can I eat today?” My day revolves around getting a good meal in. I travel to see new restaurants not new scenes or views. Lol. I am a foodie if a foodie is such a thing. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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