Adhering to my own dreadful habits as well as the millennial stereotype, it’s five in the morning and I’m scrolling through my phone. More specifically, I’m preeing through Instagram liking each and every picture in relation to the thigh-brow hashtag. For those unfamiliar with the thigh-brow, please see this post: The Brow
Long story short – it’s the crease in skin that appears when the female posterior sits or kneels – originating between the thighs and the torso. What does this have to do with the topic of discussion for this current post? Not much, but it’s what I was doing at the time – which in turn is the reason for that which I’m going to about (fourth wall broken, motherfucker) Thanks to the wonderful words of Dream Girl, which I’ve found to be one of the most incredible and most active bloggers – able to hold true conversations with everything surrounding poetry and life experiences – I’ve been nominated for the Liebster Award.
You was expecting an explosive lead up to that prior sentence, wasn’t you? I’m a writer, not a presenter. Either way, I’m going to participate and I’ll tell you why. First off, I don’t care all to much for a online award scheme. What I do value about this award is the fact that someone values my work – in this case, Dream Girl – and I’d like to reach more people so that they may also find something entertaining and inspirational about my work. Secondly, I’m sincerely grateful to this outstanding lady, and it would be a grand disappointment where I not to take part, whether I win or lose. Worth noting; I never lose. I learn from the competition.
The asshole in me is saying “Who the fuck cares? It’s an imaginary award that exists only online, and it’s designed to inspire the insecure and the weak. Mostly bloggers of mental health and fucking foodies”. I would highly recommend that you ignore this person as he has no place here for the current topic. So, what’s the rules for the Liebster Award?
– Mention and acknowledge the blog that nominated you, and display the award logo.
– Answer the 11 questions that the blogger who nominated you gave you.
– Tell 11 facts about yourself.
– Nominate between 5-12 blogs.
– Also, make sure to notify these bloggers of their nomination.
– Finally, give them 11 questions to answer.
Fuck. I’m going to be here all day. Clutching my balls while I stand full erect, I intend to give my full honesty and profanity for the questions proposed by Dream Girl. I swear she’s real, check out the link to her blog.
If you had a pet or want to have a pet what would it be, it’s name and why?
If I were to have a pet, I’d most likely settle on a tank of Sea Monkeys. They’re essentially a mass civilization of drowning cum, and they require just about no maintenance in regards to feeding, stroking, or attention. I mean, let’s face it. Cats are great but that’s not my preferred choice of pussy. And Dogs, hey, I’m pretty self-aware of how dominant I can be as a person, that means there’s only room for one ALPHA in my home. Every other pet can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. This is England, not Australia.
What is the dumbest way you have injured yourself?
Walked into a radiator when I was two, leaving a scar across my eyebrow. I was probably looking at a female on the television or something like that. If so, it was probably worth it.
What are your hobbies?
I write about fucking and fuckery. For the uninitiated, that’s sex and satirical humor in reference to modern day culture. This includes the issues I have with hipsters, my love for the female thigh-brow, and why vegans are the root cause of starvation for the insecure women who post pictures of constipation-prone foods across Instagram and Twitter. I also like fast cars, poetry, scatty clubs, and bourbon.
If you got to know you had only 48 hours to live, what would you do and why?
I’d tell every girl I once loved that I let slip away, just how I truly felt about them at the time those emotions were prevalent. There’s a great chance I’d get to fornicate with them, without the emotional resonance I once carried. Ironically, they would probably feel that way after my passing. Cruel, you say? You’ve got to be cruel to be kind. Then I’d take a midnight stroll in Paris and reminiscence on my life, drowning in a bottle as I say my last farewells.
One dream of yours you wish it would come true.
At this point in time, I do not have any dreams. Sad as that may seem, there’s nothing I’m pushing for at this moment. And for me, that’s peace. Not to say I have all that I’ve ever wanted and needed – far from it. If anything, I’d apply this aspect of having a dream of mine come true to be for the wealth and care of those I value the most. Family is everything.
Favourite TV show?
Fuck. I actually don’t know. It’s probably F.R.I.E.N.D.S but that may change once I’ve had real time to think. Why this show? I’ve been mad in love just like Ross. I’ve been broke like Season 1 Rachael. I’m a bigger freak than Phoebe. I exert control just like Monica. I’ve done more ridiculous things than Joey would even struggle to think of. Lastly, a great deal of my sarcasm and mockery shares commonality with Chandler. Sometimes we see ourselves in the things we respect or appreciate. This show serves as a reminder as to why the 90s was the best era.
What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
Food. One word is all you need for this.
What would you do if you were stranded on a island with your ex?
I’d convince her that we’re not getting off the island and that we’re eternally doomed. Then, I’d manipulate her mind into submission so that we could fuck until dehydration – laying on a beach as the overwhelming sun raw-fucks our scabby skin into a dried-out imitation of an old school chalkboard, I’d take my last sip of nutrition from the curvature of her thigh brow, then set out into the sea hoping to float off into the attention of bowrider cruiser. She’s my ex, right? Exit, motherfucker.
What makes you happy?
The company of family. Everything else is decoration.
What do you think when you look into the mirror?
Why am I single? Then I remember I’m not actually unattractive, and that I’m merely cursed to the attention of women I don’t want to keep long-term, even if they are attractive. Love above looks. Then I brush my teeth while staring deep into my own eyes, wondering when the the fuck am I going to get my shit together. This is immediately counter-attacked by spitting into the sink, rubbing lotion across my face, then heading out to a wretched club where I’ll no doubt make plenty of mistakes over the next four hours.
All time favourite song?
You’re taking this too far, Dream Girl. It’s damn near impossible to have just one favourite song. I mean fuck. There’s Kurt Cobain – Smells Like Teen Spirit. Kendrick Lamar – Blacker the Berry. Charles Esten – No One Will Ever Love You. I listen to just about everything from gangster rap to country rock. Really, one song? The Mamas & The Papas – California Dreaming.
– I like bourbon, but you know that already.
– Despite my writings on sex & satire, my actual job/career is in technology. Video games. Fucking nerds.
– I like performance cars. Imports and tuners, mostly.
– I make fun of vegans and hipsters because they’re ripe for humor.
– The name of my blog, KalifornicationX comes from my name Kal, and as you guessed it; fornication. Being a blog that’s almost X-rated if it weren’t for the humor.
– I’m quick-tempered. Largely because I have low tolerance for those who are beneath me.
– I disagree to the opinion that I’m an elitist.
– I don’t think it’s possible for me to live without peanut butter.
– I’m that guy who will follow you on Instagram and have no shame in scrolling through your posts and liking your skin-visible pictures from 6 months ago.
– I value family above everything.
– I’m a romantic control-freak.
Well, this was an interesting read. Now it’s my turn.
– What’s your favourite movie?
– What’s your hobbies? Up to 3.
– Why do you blog?
– Thoughts on the thigh brow – yay or nay? I’m an asshole, I know.
– Favourite food?
– What’s your fantasy? Interpret that as you will.
– Favourite drink? Preferably alcoholic.
– First thing that comes to mind when you wake up in the morning?
– Stuck on an island, you can & have to take one person with you – who? I don’t mind.
– How would you describe yourself in three words? Explanation as to why.
– Funniest thing you’ve done under the influence of alcohol or through the influence of bad company?
I’m fully aware that I’m probably going to Hell for the questions I’m giving, but since I’m not religious it’s safe to say I’m doomed. Either way, this does prove entertaining for the bloggers I’ve nominated.
Original Copyright © 2017 by KalifornicationX.