The Liebster Award Calls Me

Adhering to my own dreadful habits as well as the millennial stereotype, it’s five in the morning and I’m scrolling through my phone. More specifically, I’m preeing through Instagram liking each and every picture in relation to the thigh-brow hashtag. For those unfamiliar with the thigh-brow, please see this post: The Brow

Long story short – it’s the crease in skin that appears when the female posterior sits or kneels – originating between the thighs and the torso. What does this have to do with the topic of discussion for this current post? Not much, but it’s what I was doing at the time – which in turn is the reason for that which I’m going to about (fourth wall broken, motherfucker) Thanks to the wonderful words of Dream Girl, which I’ve found to be one of the most incredible and most active bloggers – able to hold true conversations with everything surrounding poetry and life experiences – I’ve been nominated for the Liebster Award.

You was expecting an explosive lead up to that prior sentence, wasn’t you? I’m a writer, not a presenter. Either way, I’m going to participate and I’ll tell you why. First off, I don’t care all to much for a online award scheme. What I do value about this award is the fact that someone values my work – in this case, Dream Girl – and I’d like to reach more people so that they may also find something entertaining and inspirational about my work. Secondly, I’m sincerely grateful to this outstanding lady, and it would be a grand disappointment where I not to take part, whether I win or lose. Worth noting; I never lose. I learn from the competition.

The asshole in me is saying “Who the fuck cares? It’s an imaginary award that exists only online, and it’s designed to inspire the insecure and the weak. Mostly bloggers of mental health and fucking foodies”. I would highly recommend that you ignore this person as he has no place here for the current topic. So, what’s the rules for the Liebster Award?

– Mention and acknowledge the blog that nominated you, and display the award logo.
– Answer the 11 questions that the blogger who nominated you gave you.
– Tell 11 facts about yourself.
– Nominate between 5-12 blogs.
– Also, make sure to notify these bloggers of their nomination.
– Finally, give them 11 questions to answer.

Fuck. I’m going to be here all day. Clutching my balls while I stand full erect, I intend to give my full honesty and profanity for the questions proposed by Dream Girl. I swear she’s real, check out the link to her blog.

The Questions:

If you had a pet or want to have a pet what would it be, it’s name and why?
If I were to have a pet, I’d most likely settle on a tank of Sea Monkeys. They’re essentially a mass civilization of drowning cum, and they require just about no maintenance in regards to feeding, stroking, or attention. I mean, let’s face it. Cats are great but that’s not my preferred choice of pussy. And Dogs, hey, I’m pretty self-aware of how dominant I can be as a person, that means there’s only room for one ALPHA in my home. Every other pet can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. This is England, not Australia.

What is the dumbest way you have injured yourself?
Walked into a radiator when I was two, leaving a scar across my eyebrow. I was probably looking at a female on the television or something like that. If so, it was probably worth it.

What are your hobbies?
I write about fucking and fuckery. For the uninitiated, that’s sex and satirical humor in reference to modern day culture. This includes the issues I have with hipsters, my love for the female thigh-brow, and why vegans are the root cause of starvation for the insecure women who post pictures of constipation-prone foods across Instagram and Twitter. I also like fast cars, poetry, scatty clubs, and bourbon.

If you got to know you had only 48 hours to live, what would you do and why?
I’d tell every girl I once loved that I let slip away, just how I truly felt about them at the time those emotions were prevalent. There’s a great chance I’d get to fornicate with them, without the emotional resonance I once carried. Ironically, they would probably feel that way after my passing. Cruel, you say? You’ve got to be cruel to be kind. Then I’d take a midnight stroll in Paris and reminiscence on my life, drowning in a bottle as I say my last farewells.

One dream of yours you wish it would come true.
At this point in time, I do not have any dreams. Sad as that may seem, there’s nothing I’m pushing for at this moment. And for me, that’s peace. Not to say I have all that I’ve ever wanted and needed – far from it. If anything, I’d apply this aspect of having a dream of mine come true to be for the wealth and care of those I value the most. Family is everything.

Favourite TV show?
I actually don’t know. It’s probably F.R.I.E.N.D.S but that may change once I’ve had real time to think. Why this show? I’ve been mad in love just like Ross. I’ve been broke like Season 1 Rachael. I’m a bigger freak than Phoebe. I exert control just like Monica. I’ve done more ridiculous things than Joey would even struggle to think of. Lastly, a great deal of my sarcasm and mockery shares commonality with Chandler. Sometimes we see ourselves in the things we respect or appreciate. This show serves as a reminder as to why the 90s was the best era.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
Food. One word is all you need for this.

What would you do if you were stranded on a island with your ex?
I’d convince her that we’re not getting off the island and that we’re eternally doomed. Then, I’d manipulate her mind into submission so that we could fuck until dehydration – laying on a beach as the overwhelming sun raw-fucks our scabby skin into a dried-out imitation of an old school chalkboard, I’d take my last sip of nutrition from the curvature of her thigh brow, then set out into the sea hoping to float off into the attention of bowrider cruiser. She’s my ex, right? Exit, motherfucker.

What makes you happy?
The company of family. Everything else is decoration.

What do you think when you look into the mirror?
Why am I single? Then I remember I’m not actually unattractive, and that I’m merely cursed to the attention of women I don’t want to keep long-term, even if they are attractive. Love above looks. Then I brush my teeth while staring deep into my own eyes, wondering when the the fuck am I going to get my shit together. This is immediately counter-attacked by spitting into the sink, rubbing lotion across my face, then heading out to a wretched club where I’ll no doubt make plenty of mistakes over the next four hours.

All time favourite song?
You’re taking this too far, Dream Girl. It’s damn near impossible to have just one favourite song. I mean fuck. There’s Kurt Cobain – Smells Like Teen Spirit. Kendrick Lamar – Blacker the Berry. Charles Esten – No One Will Ever Love You. I listen to just about everything from gangster rap to country rock. Really, one song? The Mamas & The Papas – California Dreaming.

11 Facts:
– I like bourbon, but you know that already.
– Despite my writings on sex & satire, my actual job/career is in technology. Video games. Fucking nerds.
– I like performance cars. Imports and tuners, mostly.
– I make fun of vegans and hipsters because they’re ripe for humor.
– The name of my blog, KalifornicationX comes from my name Kal, and as you guessed it; fornication. Being a blog that’s almost X-rated if it weren’t for the humor.
– I’m quick-tempered. Largely because I have low tolerance for those who are beneath me.
– I disagree to the opinion that I’m an elitist.
– I don’t think it’s possible for me to live without peanut butter.
– I’m that guy who will follow you on Instagram and have no shame in scrolling through your posts and liking your skin-visible pictures from 6 months ago.
– I value family above everything.
– I’m a romantic control-freak.

Well, this was an interesting read. Now it’s my turn.


Sensuality, Sex & Something else
Black Burgundy
404: No Error Found
Savvy Zone
Midwest Fantasy Writes

My Questions:
– What’s your favourite movie?
– What’s your hobbies? Up to 3.
– Why do you blog?
– Thoughts on the thigh brow – yay or nay? I’m an asshole, I know.
– Favourite food?
– What’s your fantasy? Interpret that as you will.
– Favourite drink? Preferably alcoholic.
– First thing that comes to mind when you wake up in the morning?
– Stuck on an island, you can & have to take one person with you – who? I don’t mind.
– How would you describe yourself in three words? Explanation as to why.
– Funniest thing you’ve done under the influence of alcohol or through the influence of bad company?

I’m fully aware that I’m probably going to Hell for the questions I’m giving, but since I’m not religious it’s safe to say I’m doomed. Either way, this does prove entertaining for the bloggers I’ve nominated.


Original Copyright © 2017 by KalifornicationX.


36 thoughts on “The Liebster Award Calls Me

  1. Now this right here, was fun to read (had some ooh and ahh moments lol) the sacarsm on this was unbearable (means I really liked it) I’m gonna have to try and do mine justice without being eloquently boring. O well…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Miss lady, you better drop a comment back on this post to let me know you’ve done yours, in case I miss it. I look forward to what you have to say, and I believe you’ll do justice. But if not, then hey, make it criminal…(that sounded good in my head)


      1. Haha haha!!!! I actually read that in “slow-mo” with the visual and all. Imma just start with a draft and have a sandwich. Maybe if you stop interrupting me Imma actually start lol (sips wine)…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am elated that you accepted this award; I knew we’d be in for a treat. And the thigh brow? Wow. My old roommate would refer to it as the “hip suck”, but now I know it has a proper name. You mentioned this is where you’d take your last sip before death..

    Eventually, everything connects.

    And from you, I humbly accept. Thank you

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Damnn brilliant read!!
    And thank you so much for all the praises you’ve have showered on me 🙂
    ” I swear she’s real” that was the best thing I’ve heard all day 😛
    I love bourbon too and yeaaah I so enjoy our conversations!!!
    Thanks once again and Hey you totally deserve this..
    I mean even i don’t believe in the online award “scheme” but who cares i was as Happy as a Sea Monkeys :P.
    And F.R.I.EN.D.S is the BEST!! ❤
    All in all great post man 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually don’t know how I missed this comment. It’s interaction like this which makes it worthwhile. I appreciate your nomination but even more so reading my blog in participation to it. Truth be told it’s one of the most interesting pieces I’ve written, and to a great extent that’s because of the collaborative nature of it which demands me passing it on from others. And honestly, I’m not sure which part is more interesting; my answers to your questions, or my questions for those I’ve nominated. Both of which have provided greater insight to me as well as others (yours). I’ve never considered what pet I would take on next until now. Sea monkeys do seem the safe bet…perhaps I’ll give it a test run…see how they take to bourbon.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This was nicee. Got to know a lot about you and had quite a laugh! Love your honesty in your posts and I hope mine will be at least half as interesting as yours! (hard). Thanks for the nomination, it means a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am already laughing by your second answer. Were you really interested in woman at two years old?? LOL.
    I also stare myself in the eyes when I’m rubbing lotion into my face wondering when the hell I’m going to get my life together, haha…glad I’m not alone. 😛
    I enjoyed reading your answers–you def came up with some fun questions for your nominees, too, lol.
    Congrats on the award, Kal! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Nice post and congrats! My daughter is watching Friends for the first time and insisted my wife and I pick a favorite character. We both picked Joey. My daughter picked Chandler. She hates Ross. It’s interesting to see it from her perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hahah…this was a great read…funny as hell…! It was only then I realised that you’re spot on with your FRIENDS characters… I was like damn, he’s right…! Congrats on your imaginary online award… hahah..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you, kedawithani. By your comment I can already tell you’re a real person and i’m going to have fun conversating with you. I think my knowledge on friends has much to do with the fact that I’m emotionally attached to the 90s and this is the only thing keeping me sane. Also, your blog has categories called feel good shit and vagina diaries. Holy cum stains on toast am I on board with that.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. She gets up, makes her coffee, contemplating adding bourbon or just cream to it; she sits down to see her neighbours frantically adusting the snow blower like it’s a gift from NASA, and then she starts to read this blog, not thinking…well, because…it’s Sunday fucking morning… And. Mind. Blown.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you good sir, always great to have someone board my grand vessel of fuckery beyond belief. I appreciate that, truly. Susie’s Blog Party is the virtual hangover couch where I’m never without an empty bottle an piss stained invitation. It’s always great to meet new bloggers there. I’ll be sure to check out your blog also. Most definitely.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s