Your Children Are Vegans And It’s All Your Fault

As a fair majority of my readers will know, I’m not the biggest fan of labels, stereotypes, modern day values, and general stupidity. Some might say that I’ve made it my life’s mission to throw shade at the hipsters in order to return balance to the natural order. Well, I will not disagree to agree. My last piece of orgasmic insults was divisive to say the least. Which means I won. Introverts and extroverts, I think it’s safe to say these ideals are stupid, and they stand for nothing in the presence of alcohol. So where do we go from here? Well, I’d love to say that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but after taking a good long piss against the chestnut panels of it’s venetian styling, I’d highly recommend staying clear as to avoid disappointment.

The grass is gone – blame the Vegans. Honestly, Vegans, that’s right I’m talking to you. It’s time to get a grip. Step into the sunlight and grab life by the balls. By the sack – by the meat. It’s time to grow up. So what is it exactly that bothers me about veganism? For one thing, it’s a trend. Much like the many “verts” of this world, we can trace this anomaly back to sheer boredom. Not only that, but something else deeper, much deeper. Although I cannot be certain, I can be confident within my own theories and personal beliefs in regards to everything satirical. And in saying that, I’m pretty sure that veganism was born out of the desire for first-world problems. Western society, you crazy motherfucker you. You went from thanksgiving turkey with Phoebe and Chandler to pushing noodles around a plate with Penny and Sheldon.

The civilisation built upon everything all the while having nothing to show for it – for the vast majority of us, at least. This daft fucking idea that constitutes we have far too much food that almost everything goes to waste is downright embarrassing. I’m not saying it’s false, I’m not saying it’s true. But if we talk first-world problems I’m pretty sure this takes the fucking crown. And how do we choose to make things worse? You, not me, by the way. The icing on top of the cake that never gets eaten. Veganism that’s how. Queen to the king of first-world problems. It’s almost as though someone thought “Hey, we have so much food. Let’s see how long we can last if we barely eat any of it.”

I mean, fuck, really? Growing up with traditional values that boys play with Action Man while girls play dress-up, I’m of the fowl mindset that a man who doesn’t eat meat isn’t the man you want undressing your dress-up. Fuck, the sexual innuendoes of the words “meat” and “bone” work a great deal of wonders for your health as it is. Long live the 90s, may the Walkman outlive us all while we’re still aloud to fuck in graffiti ridden toilet stalls. Fast-forward to 2017 and we’re eating fucking grass. Actual grass, no marijuana jokes here. Actual fucking green – bend your sweet ass over let me fuck you while you feed in the fields.

I really should have begun this piece by stating that I have nothing against the vegetarians. “The vegetarians” I make it sound as though they’re some sub-species of an Alien race that was once part of Earth’s humanity. (Fourth-wall broken, nailed it) Vegetarians, don’t get me wrong – I do think your crazy, almost crazy as the hipsters. But there’s still hope for you. Pescetarians, no, just no. Hypocritical bullshit where the subject of your cause borders the pitiful need for continuous attention. You eat fish but not meat? I smell vagina. Make your mind up – animals or not? And the name; PescetarianReally? Which Dinosaur you still that from? Forgive me if I’m wrong but I believe the appropriate term to use here is “El Oh El”. Fuck.

Here’s my question for the Vegans. The Gamma personnel of great Gaia’s theme park. Veganism is primarily based upon the protection and rights of animals due to the way they’re treated in preparation for death, so that human beings can, well, eat them. Okay. If the situation was reversed do you really think animals would respond in kind? Tell you what, go ask the nearest member of the big fucking cat species and if you don’t return with an answer I’m going to assume you didn’t return at all. Now, I’m in full support of animal protection, but realistically they’re doomed. I mean fuck, human beings put their own people in chains, and with that being said I have about as much hope for animal protection as vegans do for a daily source of adequate protein.

Sure; save the animals, eat hay, and face-fuck the trees – trim the hedges – pun intended. I get it; starvation is the current trend. But man, you guys really pick your timing, huh? 2017, I’ll say that again; But woman, you gals really pick your timing, huh? (I can hear the feminists from here – the smell of oestrogen is just over the horizon. Pitchforks and aprons) But seriously, it is 2017, and we’re living in a world where every teenage girl and her MILF-certified mother suffers from extreme anxiety, woeful depression, and every fucking mental health issue listed in the book – continuously counting since they make a new one up every damn day.

And now, they want to encourage anorexia through misguided health advice by posting fancy pictures on Instagram about the health benefits of tempeh, grass, and bird seeds. Stop lying about happiness. Dried-out skin, stick-figure physiques, weedy arms. Was that leaf tasty? You are what you eat. Ever gone down on a vegan? Marinated Seitan laced in orgasmic hemp milk. Veganism – It’s not just the ladies either. I mean to a certain extent I do understand why it appears to be more popular amongst women. Insecurities, ideal body, eating disorders, etcetera etcetera – that wasn’t me, it was Patricia. I get it. But guys, veganism, seriously? What happened to the wolves leading the pack? Fetching raw meat in the wilds – chest hair and Snickers? Guys, stop eating mother nature’s vagina.

This is the part where the dedicated vegans and the extreme feminists come out to play. With full backing and plenty of ammunition thanks to the involvement of PETA, nonetheless. Little do they know, this piece – much like the rest of my work is written in satire and only the most sensitive of introverts will take it seriously. My bad, I meant to say “people”. Introverts, sorry not sorry. Let’s talk about it. Meet me for a drink at…oh, wait, you can’t go outside.


Original Copyright © 2017 by KalifornicationX.


26 thoughts on “Your Children Are Vegans And It’s All Your Fault

  1. Cracking up at this piece of work. Blatantly blunt. Lol! Was very interesting to read till the last word. This part right here, well drafted. “Step into the sunlight and grab life by the balls. By the sack – by the meat”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Whether or not modern veganism is a tread, renunciation has a long history. When I visited a commune in Portland, OR, I met people who had fallen into an accidental and informal competition to see who could leave the lightest ecological footprint on the world (the “winner” was living off oatmeal and carrots), it wasn’t all that different than when Buddha met with Hindi ascetics who competed with each other for the most austere lives. Buddha beat them at their own game and then decided in favor of moderation in all things. St. Francis took an oath of poverty because he didn’t think he could reform the Catholic Church from within the arms of its wealth.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, they’re clearly all mad. That much is certain. Much like the opposing gender which we share this planet with, our primal instincts dictate we must feed on that which attracts us – be they meat or women…tomato tomatoe (winks to audience…in slow motion)


  3. Oh wow! lol. Ok now I’m REALLY glad you bumped into me. Seriously, I have a ridiculous number of issues and I admit to calling myself an “introvert” but to the death with Hipsters (like, metaphorical death ya know?) 🤣 you’re writing style is right up my alley. I’m officially a fan. Friend. Whatever. I’m IN. The whole bend over and eat from the fields LOL holy shit. Can’t wait to read more.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel about Vegan’s?!
    Your title caught my eye!! My son is Vegan (hardcore) has been for many years and to be honest I was not sure exactly what to expect from your post and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, I snickered and laughed through most of it.!!
    Thinking I might send it to my son for him to read 😛

    Liked by 1 person

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